She dumped you and you are hurting. Your heart is broken. You feel defeated, worthless, angry, and helpless.
You feel defeated because your ego is crushed. You feel worthless because you believe that she wouldn’t dump you if she knew your worth. You feel angry because you think you are treated unfairly. You feel helpless because this is not one of those situations where you do A and you get B with 100% accuracy. There’s no proven formula to make her love you back.
First of all, understand that this situation is common. It happened to hundreds of millions (maybe even billions) of men before it happened to you. If there was an easy way to get over a girl, it would be long invented. Expect some hardship.
Helplessness is a powerful emotion. You want to get rid of it as soon as possible so your first inclination will be to “do something”. The first thing that comes to your mind will probably be something that also came first to the minds of hundreds of millions of other men and didn’t work. Not only it didn’t work but also caused embarrassment on their part.
Before you do something dumb and dig yourself into a deeper hole, let’s go over the do’s don’ts of getting over a girl.
Don’t attempt to win her back
The first reaction of most men in case of a break up is to try to win her back. We are hardwired to fix what’s broken and we are also hardwired to take the easiest route to do it.
When our ego is broken, who is capable of fixing it? Of course, she who broke it. So you’ll want to chase.
Chasing her will work against you. You will inevitably come across as needy. We all hate needy people but women hate needy men even more. She’ll lose the remaining respect she has for you. Your neediness will only work to cement her decision to dump you.
If she dumped you and you chased her like a puppy dog, how in the hell will she respect you? Respect always comes first because women are unable to feel attraction for a man that they don’t respect.
The Phil Collins Syndrome
Another mistake that men make is thinking that she will change her mind and run back to him if only she notices how much he is suffering – which is commonly referred to as the “Phil Collins Syndrome”. Ok, I may have made it up right now but let’s assume for a moment that such a syndrome exists. Here’s a line from the popular Phil Collins song called “Against All Odds”:
I wish I could make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
The idea is that if she sees him suffering greatly after getting dumped, she will be convinced of his undying love for her and run back to him. This is the dumbest idea to get a woman back because that’s not how women work.
Women are attracted to strong men. How in the hell can she feel attraction for a man crying like a baby in front of him just for losing a girl? There might be some legitimate reasons for crying in front of a woman but this is not one of them. If you are crying over a break up how in the hell will you protect her from the evils of the world?
Letting her know that you are suffering greatly for losing her not only achieves nothing but also it will reinforce her decision to dump you. I’m not even mentioning the dignity you lost for crying in front of a girl.
Similarly, never beg her to come back to you. Begging is pathetic. Women don’t respect pathetic men.
Do cut off all contact with her
Delete her number, unfollow her on social media, and if possible, don’t let her see you at all.
Even if you manage to resist the urge to contact her, keeping the contact options open is often a thinly veiled attempt at allowing her to contact you in case she changes her mind.
This way of thinking will keep your hopes alive and only work to prolong your pain.
If you are hoping that she will come to her senses, realize your worth, regret her decision to dump you and come back to you, then you are waiting in vain.
Women and men operate differently in deciding to break up. Men can break up with a girl in a moment of anger and regret it later. Women don’t work like that. If a woman broke up with you, she had probably been meditating on that decision for weeks or often months. When she announced you her decision, she already calculated everything and made up her mind. There’s no going back from there.
This is why women are capable of acting cold after a breakup as if you are a complete stranger that she never met before.
Knowing this will also prevent you from interpreting her mundane actions as if she’s sending you signals to get back to you. She’s not. Forget about it. Trust me, if she loved you, you wouldn’t have to “figure it out”. It would be as obvious as a full moon.
If you have to see her because you have kids together, you are working at the same company, or you take the same class with her, keep your interactions with her in the context of your obligations. Don’t quit your job just because you broke up with her. It’s not worth taking a financial hit when you are already in a situation that you are working to get over.
Do have options
I know that this is easier said than done but not having options is the biggest reason that men find it hard to get over a girl.
The reason why the majority of men lack options in the dating scene is that girls are biologically wired to want the top men. All women want the top 10% of the male population and the remaining 90% get little to no female attention.
When a man belongs to the bottom 90%, he’s so desperate for female attention that he falls in love with the first semi-attractive girl that pays him attention. If he manages to have a relationship with her, he latches onto her with the feeling that he might not find another girl again in case he loses her.
Lack of options is what causes a man to get overly attached to a girl and it’s the main reason a man will greatly suffer after a breakup.
Men who lack options are the ones who are most likely to put women on a pedestal. Putting a woman on a pedestal is counterproductive because all women are hardwired to desire men who are better than them. A woman wants a man who is ABOVE her. It’s impossible for her to be attracted to a man who is BENEATH her. Putting her on a pedestal defeats the purpose of attracting her for the very reason that when she’s on a pedestal, you will automatically be beneath her.
Agonizing over a break up is a strong indicator of a scarcity mindset. Men with options have an abundance mindset. It’s extremely unlikely for a man with options to agonize over a breakup. If anything, there’s a strong possibility that he will even be delighted that he is now free of the shackles of a relationship. Men with options still may hurt to a degree after a break up (we are all human after all) but his agony is nothing like the agony of a man without options.
She’s not special
Becoming a man with options isn’t as easy as turning a switch but it’s possible. A mindset shift is all it takes to start building up your value.
First of all, realize that she’s not special.
A few years ago, one of my closest friends told me that he recently got dumped and he wanted to talk about it. I said ok and listened to his story. He got into a relationship with a colleague, she dumped him after a year or so of a relationship and he was badly burned. He rambled on and on about how much of an amazing girl she is and how awesome a relationship they had and how much he is hurting because she dumped him.
I knew the girl who dumped him because I had worked in the same workplace before. I shit you not, she was a 30+-year-old washed up slut. Not only that but she was fat and her face was covered with pimples.
But Lane, maybe she had a heart of gold?
Nope. I personally know her. She is an annoying cunt.
So, why did my friend fell head over heels in love with her? The answer is that my friend is a shy, nice guy who women love to friendzone. When a girl finally realized his worth and went into a relationship with him, he was over the clouds. She wasn’t a special girl. She was only special in the sense that she was the only girl that has demonstrated a romantic interest towards him. Since that’s an extremely rare thing for my friend, he latched on to her as his life depended on her. She, of course, lost respect for him when she found herself on a giant pedestal and dumped him.
The story of my friend is an extremely familiar one. Most relationships are like this because the man is quietly aware that in case he loses her, it may take years until he finds a new girl.
But Lane my girl is really special.
Ok. I don’t believe you but let’s assume for a moment that it’s true. There are 3,5 billion women on this world and you really believe that you found the only indispensable girl in the entire world? Do you understand how unlikely that is? The odds of that happening is a lot less than the odds of winning a lottery. Finding the best girl throughout 3,5 billions of women is infinitely harder than winning the lottery because at least there’s a new lottery winner every fucking week. Do you really think that you got luckier than a lottery winner?
I will never find another girl like that again!
Wrong. You found her before you didn’t do the things I told you to do. When you improve your body, economics, social skills, and your overall value, it’s highly likely that you will find someone better than her. Sexual market is called a market for a reason. If you increase your value, the demand for you will increase. The simple laws of economics fully apply to the sexual market. High-value men are rare. Rare goods are high in demand. When you are high in demand, you get to choose because there will be many girls demanding you.
Becoming a man with options isn’t an easy feat but it’s worth doing. I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship with a girl just because I have no other options.
Get busy investing in yourself. Work, train, do something productive. Humans are wired to feel happiness not according to their current situation at but by noticing an upward trend in their lives. We feel happier when our future looks brighter. When you are doing something productive, the future will look brighter and you are more likely to feel happier.
If you keep improving yourself, you’ll reach a point where you have sufficient inner resources to be content with or without a relationship. Outsourcing your well-being to a particular human being is unfair to her in the first place. No girl wants that kind of burden. Girls want to be a part of your mission, not the center of your life. Girls should never be your priority.
Don’t keep investing in her
Part of the reason why breakups hurt is that you are invested in her. We are all selfish and we expect a return on our investment. When she dumps you, time and other investments you made in her are now sunk costs. The more you are invested in her, the more the break up will hurt you. If you keep investing in her even after the breakup, you keep digging yourself a deeper hole. It’s best to cut your losses off and move on.
Don’t drink, don’t listen to love songs, and don’t watch romantic movies. When you do these, you are still investing in her in the form of your time, money, and energy. Not only that but doing these things will twist the knife in your wound.
A few nights of getting drunk is ok but don’t carry it further. It does you no good.
Contrary to conventional wisdom, I believe that you shouldn’t talk to your friends or your family about your breakup. It may be helpful to get it off your chest but be aware that most people suck at providing valuable advice. Moreover, people have their own problems. Talking somebody’s head off over a girl is a thing I would advise against. You also have a reputation to guard. You may not want to be remembered as the guy who lost his cool over a girl. Most important of all, talking about a girl is still an investment and, remember, the more you are invested in her, the harder it will be to get over her. If you are seriously suicidal and you really need to talk to someone, stop reading this article now and seek professional help.
Do remember that you existed before she came into your life
Lane, you don’t understand, I can’t live without her.
Yes, you can. You did until you met her. (Again, if you are seriously suicidal, stop reading this article now and seek professional help.)
Don’t dwell on the past mistakes and don’t blame yourself
If I did this if I did that blah blah blah. Remember, if you have to walk on eggshells during a relationship, it’s not a relationship worth having.
You are probably wrong about your mistakes anyway unless your past mistakes were things like putting her on a pedestal, rewarding her bad behavior, acting needy, and generally being weak.
Not being nice enough, not being romantic enough, not showing her enough attention aren’t deal breakers and these are not the reasons she broke up with you.
Hell, you may not have made any mistakes at all and she still may have dumped you. Dwelling on the mistakes you may or have not made doesn’t matter at this point.
Maybe your actual mistake was picking the wrong girlfriend in the first place.
Whatever the mistakes you made, forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes.
The thought of “what could have been different if…” is just a fantasy. You never know how things may play out without trial and error. Humans are complex beings. You can never predict your interactions with a human being with 100% accuracy.
Do be sure that it will pass
What were the five stages of grief again?
The worst case scenario is going through these five stages. Literally billions of humans had to go through these stages at some point in their lives. You can do it too.
Even if you feel pain now and do nothing about it, this too will pass in a predictable manner.
The problem is that unless you change, this process will repeat itself with other relationships. I highly recommend you to follow the strategies I outlined in this article so that you don’t have to go through this ordeal again.